We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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