he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
