apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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