I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
