we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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