Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
