HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
