she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
