happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
