Swine flu. Run for my life!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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