You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
