I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
