just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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