all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
