I've blown a few things in my day
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
