just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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