Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
