So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
