Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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