Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween