In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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