Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
