I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
