areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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