at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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