I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
