i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
