Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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