i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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