yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
