if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
