This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
