just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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