I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
