you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
