Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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