Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
