if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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