girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
