Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
