life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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