its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
