it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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