he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
