why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
