just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
