Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
