did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can't turn off my feet"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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