I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
