I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
