She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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