mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
