im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
