my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
