You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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