420 ftw
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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